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2001-07-26 - 5:24 p.m.

�A lot of homosexuals seem concerned about whether they are called gays, faggots, fairies or queers. I don�t regard myself as one thing over another. The whole point is, why not discard all the words? Say that all sexual acts have parity.�

The final hours of my late-mid twenties have been less than exhilarating, though I did buy a whole trout for 80p. And if piscine bargains are a motif for my early-late twenties, well�it could be worse. I imagine 29 (that�s right�late twenties are pencilled in for some time after the New Year) to be just one big steaming cup of neurosis soup, because this time next year, the remnants of the starters will be whisked away and we�re suddenly being given new cutlery for the main course. 29 is a year spent saying��no, no, I haven�t quite finished with my lobster bisque�� and trying to hang on to your Long Island Ice Tea aperitif whilst the waiters clack their tongues and remind you that another party is booked in and you have to vacate the table by the agreed time. To make a suitably feeble stab at finishing this spurious analogy, I feel like I didn�t really understand the menu when we ordered, and I�m awaiting my quail sashimi with mahi-mahi roulade with suspicious incomprehension.

I knew I should have gone to Burger King.

�As if the American public school system is any good anywhere! Wherever you go, you get a lousy education! What difference does it make if it takes an extra hour to get there?�

OK, let�s try running with this � if you�re bored already feel free to sit back, stop listening and enjoy your hair.

Your friends are the people you�re sitting with, who let you try their dishes, because no matter what you order, what everyone else gets always looks better, right? Not your friends are the people who already are reminding you that when you�re dividing the bill, not to forget they didn�t have a starter. Politics is the waiter recommending the specials, which are actually made up of yesterday�s leftovers, and the waiter is on commission if he sells you the specials, but he has no idea about them if you actually ask him any questions. Religion is the free meal voucher in your pocket, which is no longer valid, and which never was valid, and in fact was just a fucking scam to get people off the streets in the first place. Religious people are the ones complaining that you�re smoking, even though we�re in the smoking section. Capitalism is the chef, blatantly hawking into your overpriced salad in the kitchen before sending it out claiming it is, in fact, his �special dressing�.

OK, Pablo, we get the fucking picture. Enough with that restaurant metaphor! What�s rattled your cage?

Oh, nothing. It�s just my birthday.

�I suggest a change in attitude amongst those few of us capable of rational thought.�

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