2001-07-22 - 9:49 p.m.

�You only call? Well let�s go visit Mr More�your eight hundred, and I raise twenty five hundred bucks�� �I can�t stand it�south, I�m goin� south�� �South street seaport the man says�he can�t stand the heat, he can�t stand it��

So I got my first bit of hate mail. I forget that when you have stuff published in a newspaper, then there�s an outside chance that someone might actually read it. I always forget the audience in the blinkered contemplation of just how fast the invoice will be processed. Anyway, some befuddled coffin-dodger took severe umbrage with my flippant description of the nascent Bulgarian tourism industry, which I�d - and let�s really try and pay attention here � EXAGGERATED FOR COMIC EFFECT. Apparently she�d had a splendid time there twenty thousand years ago and been amazed when she�d sampled yoghurt �on a par with the finest Greek� and when the hotel had got her wheezing, yoghurt-sodden husband an asthma inhaler �free, and within 24 hours.� Yes, the hallmark of any great holiday � world class dairy products and easily-garnered respiratory accessories. Still, thanks for writing in and listing all my alleged inaccuracies � those long winter evenings must just fly by.

She signs off �Yours sincerely, Mrs Blah (octogenarian)�. What, am I supposed to be impressed that you�ve staved off death long enough to be able write whinging letters to bumbling journalists who just happen to be, might I add, about half past give a shit?

Well�I�m not.

Haha. Old people. I love �em really.

�You wanna play cards? The bet is two and a half thou.� �The bet?!? I�ll tell you what the bet is, and I raise you six thousand dollars.�

Another night with the Poles last night and we took the surrealism train to Incredulity Central as I witnessed not one, but TWO blind Polish psychologists playing bongo drums in a kitchen in North London. The fact that I ran into ONE blind Polish psychologist in my life is weird enough, but that shit�s getting into David Lynch territory. They�re both very charming and articulate, though I really do hate people who play bongo drums at parties. Don�t get me wrong - they were very good, but then it always ends up with less skilful people trying to get in on the bongo action and all sorts of percussive atrocities are visited upon innocent bystanders. And we all know that playing any kind of musical instrument, like masturbation, should only be attempted in public by those with extreme skill and flair.

I took advantage of the diversion to play with one of their white sticks � those babies are actually way more sophisticated than they look. They�re telescopic, and do this neat bending in half thing, which makes you think you�ve broken it for a couple of panicky seconds, but then snap right back. I kind of tapped it around for a bit, but not with my eyes closed because that would have been distasteful.

�Who is this marker? Where are you from?� �Where am I from? I�m from the United States of kiss my ass��

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