2001-07-02 - 12:54 a.m.

I�m going outside and I may be some time. Spending the week in a little place called New Orleans�it sounds like a quaint little place � I imagine it�s very quiet and serene. I doubt I�ll get up to much. See you in a week, popkids. I leave you with a most amusing news article �.

"When I was at college, I never thought I'd end up affording an orang-utan personal relief by hand every morning," Mohd. Binatang told reporters as they followed him on his daily rounds at the Singapore Zoological Gardens. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed on the neck first."

In between visits to the various cages, the curator of the zoo's sperm bank explained how he conducts his unusual profession. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have a 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm then. Each animal is different. The polar bears finish rather quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most 'teruk' of all, because of the sheer size of its thing. Sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral, like that Quasimodo or something, except it all ends in a snow scene." After rubbing massage oil onto his rubber gloves, Binatang briefly disappeared into the orang-utan enclosure, where the resident was lying expectantly on his back, sporting a huge erection. When he emerged, he confessed that "as you might expect, this job is really ruining my sex life. I can't help it. These ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."

Lai Jee Seow of Wildlife Reserves Singapore also acknowledged that changes needed to be made to the zoo's semen collection procedures. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to help them. Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."

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