2001-06-29 - 12:12 a.m.

�Things always seem so much better when they�re not part of the close surroundings��

To lose one good friend in a year is unfortunate. To lose two looks like carelessness. Like, thanks, Oscar. So two people I considered close � one extremely so � have disowned me for unspecified reasons, or at least, reasons I don�t buy. Minor events that in context, two people would talk about and get over, but when they happened � bang! That�s it. Game over. Do not insert more coins. Do not play again. But do wonder what the hell was really going on all that time. Sorry. I�m breaking my �no whining� embargo. I may have to go and write an angsty poem with a razor on my forearm instead.

People suck. Like the man said, we�re a virus with shoes.

I was reading about Mishima, the Japanese author who committed a very public hari-kiri some years ago. After slicing open your belly (so tradition goes), you�re meant to study your own entrails thoughtfully in the fading light of day for an appropriate time (this is up to the individual) and then your assistant is supposed to chop off your head. Only his assistant messed up that bit, and was hacking chunks all over the place � failure to complete the task is punishable by � you guessed it � decapitation! So the assistant gets HIS head chopped off, by a second assistant. Now, people ask what was the symbolism of Mishima�s action? Wass it really such a glorious death? Was it the ultimate expression of passion? Or a nihilistic waste of life? Me? I ask - who would volunteer to be an assistant?

�I didn�t know you then, did I girl? I couldn�t tell you �Sing softy to me.��

I�m clinically exhausted, if there is indeed such a state. The weekend will be a relief beyond words (most things are beyond words at the moment as my vocabulary radar is so off kilter due to tiredness that I find myself reaching for the dictionary about twice a sentence), though ideally I�d like to borrow one of those monkeys that service quadriplegics, making them breakfast, answering their correspondence, etc. I think I�ve said this before, but I�d really love to be a trainer for those monkeys. You�d never have to worry about disposing of unruly teabags ever again. You could have a team of monkeys working in shifts, dedicated to eradicating any incidents of physical exertion.

I had to look up �exertion�. Oh, man. I need a monkey with a thesaurus.

� I want a mystery that couldn�t be solved. I want a puzzle with pieces missing��

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