2001-06-07 - 11:52 a.m.

�You can�t have everything�where would you put it?�

Now I�m asking myself if 24 hours is long enough to write a best man�s speech, and if not, what do intend to do about it?

Bride and groom, though good friends (with me, not each other, though obviously they�re that too) are squeaky clean. Like�papal. I�m pushed to think of drunken hi-jinx, let alone sniffing coke off the torsos of minor soap nymphettes in grotty hotel rooms. Mind you, it�s an all-singing, all-praying, none-fornicating catholic affair, so such matters would be better left alone in any case.

�Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time��

Test audiences of the rough cut of the film are laughing at the bits we hate. I think we�ve watched it too many times. Sadly for the viewing public, the scene with a close up of my prosthetically pierced nipples has not found its way onto the editing house floor.

�I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time��

Today�s special guest