2001-04-09 - 4:56 p.m.

�All I need�s a little time, to get behind the sun and cast my weight��

The painful grinding tedium of a religious wedding at the weekend was disrupted by the presence next to me of a baby which made possibly the least human noises I�ve ever heard from an infant. From an adolescent, it has to be my school friend John, who, playing football, got smashed in the family jewels twice with the ball in rapid succession. I�ve never heard those noises repeated. But this baby � all it did for the entire 45 minute service was emit this low, gutteral bellowing, only being silenced for a few minutes whilst its mother, who to be fair didn�t look particularly satanic, took time out of praying to do breastfeeding, coincidentally providing me with my first sighting of an engorged nipple in a catholic church. Hey, I wasn�t looking on purpose � I just looked over to see what was keeping little Damien quiet. After he�d finished, I feared he might go for the full vomital effect of the pea soup projectile scene in The Excorcist, but he seemed content to just resume his abhorrent bestial grunting. I was hoping to accidentally spill some holy water over him, to see if he started giving off dark smoke, but sadly the opportunity never arose.

The reception was as receptions are; champagne, canape and small talk-fuelled, and a frisson of amusement every time people referred to me as �your boyfriend� to my reluctant guest. She was far too polite to correct them, of course.

�All in all, there�s something to give, all in all, there�s something to do��

Finally tonight there�s proper, real auditions for the film, which scarily starts filming in less than 2 weeks. I�m hoping the hopefuls will include a suitably nubile selection of aspirant soap nymphettes, but more likely it�ll be an embarrassment of over-the-hill failed luvvies, especially since we ain�t paying. They probably bring their own casting couch.

Sophie-Rhys Jones? She�s up there sayin� what we�re all thinkin�!

�All I need�s a little sign, to get behind the sun and cast this weight��

Today�s special guests