2001-03-26 - 06:12 p.m.

�I am the sinner, with only socks on��

Better the coward who from tequila stays away, and lives to drink another day.

Yes, I escaped the pre-nuptial alcohol abuse relatively unscathed, my inferior capacity compensated for with bar-smart tactics and spin-on-a-sixpence manoeuvrability. That, and not gunning down tequila from the earliest possible moment. The mighty stag himself was the earliest casualty and one by one they fell, apart from I, a slightly woozy David amongst the comatose Goliaths, slain by my pint of Guinness slings. In fact, the disappearance of said stag precluded the strip bar and club parts of the evenings festivities, leaving a group of ten males who only vaguely know each other to take the only course of action available to them, doing it heavily and doing it fast. Man is a social animal, and hurriedly drinking enough so as to dispense with the need for meaningful conversation certainly doesn�t hurt matters.

�Hammer it home I wanna hammer it in, take the lot and never give in��

The French Uma Thurman is through to the last round in the selection process for a desert-island based reality TV show. If chosen, she and 15 other nubile young hedonists get carted off to said island for 6 weeks of sun, no-strings flirting and much running of hands suggestively over each other�s perfectly formed, tanned abs, all under the sham-like veneer that it�s somehow a survival-tinged social experiment. Subsidised mauling, I call it. Of course, I�m just insanely jealous, given that, some years ago, I had to go through a similar ordeal, as the object of my then affections was shamelessly courted, won over and generally drooled over in a university-based reality TV programme. My worst nightmare played out in 30 minute episodes after the news on national telly. I�m amazed I�m as stable as I am. I�m not sure I could go through it again. Still, there�s always the �off� button.

�He said he wanted to take me home, and he takes me up to his room, and he says no no no no it�s good, but it�s a last�fatal fuck��

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