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2001-01-15 - 15:43:49

�Turn my whiskey, into water�my cigarettes, I don�t know what they taste of��

I see those adverts on TV. �Have you been injured at work or in a car accident?� Then they cut to Mr Donut who �came to us and made a successful claim. Thanks to us, he received a cheque for �5,000�. Then Mr Donut speaks, repeating helpfully, �I had an accident at work and thanks to Bastardclaims Direct, I received a cheque for �5,000.� So far, so cheaply thrilling. But I want to know what kind of injury Mr D actually went through to get his five large. If it was a sprained fingernail or twisted eyebrow, then sign me right up, Mr Bastardclaims Direct � I got mental stress from 5 years in admin stacked up that I want to use to fund my retirement. But since they only ever show him from the waist up and you never see any of his limbs moving, there�s a chance he could actually be entirely prosthetic apart from, say, his moustache and his beer belly. And if he�s being pulled along on a trolley to cash his cheque, then 5 g�s suddenly seems a little on the, er, unsuccessful side. I just think, you know, we should be told.

�Playthings�stand dusty�books fly open on the page where I met her, and that other life, is just a memory to me now��

Only 15 days late, I�ve been dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st Century with my own plutonium powered android servant and fuel-less hover car. Er, I mean, mobile phone. Only it won�t actually work for another 24 hours. Gotta love technology. Did you know 260 million text messages were sent in July 2000 ALONE? That�s crazy no-life shit. Me, I�m going to be totally rock and roll and use my mobile whilst taking a long-haul economy flight, for that ultimate brain tumour / deep vein thrombosis-courting thrill.

I have no work this week, natch.

�So tell me how it feels to feel so good, tell me how it goes, it goes so bad�so fast.�

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