2004-11-03 - 6:55 p.m.
Oh, what a beautiful MORNING! Oh, what a beautiful day! I�ve got a dum dum dum dum dum�everything�s going my�HOLY PANCAKES THE USA JUST ELECTED GEORGE BUSH PRESIDENT AMOTHERFUCKINGGAIN...
Are there really any words? I�m too stunned to even get mad.
Still, at least I�m not Radiohead. I heard they now have to call their new album �Hail to the, er, OK, democratically elected BUT NEVERTHELESS STILL QUITE BAD MAN�.
On Melinda�s suggestion, I�m taking offers of marriage, if anyone wants to move to a newly decorated flat on London�s Democratic South Bank with full UK citizenship. Ohio residents get first dibs. Shall we start the bidding at, what, one slightly soiled Kerry / Edwards placard?
Do you know where YOU were when John Kerry conceded?
So, does he really just call George Bush? Like, on the phone? There�s a phone call that redefines awkward. I kind of see him sat round some empty pizza boxes and beer cans with John Edwards and Michael Moore and everybody, and they�re watching TV and Edwards speaks up, kind of quietly:
Edwards: Joooohn�.you�d better call him. I know you don�t want to.
Kerry: I don�t want to, John.
Edwards: I know, John. But�you know. You kinda HAVE to.
Kerry: Yeah. I know. Listen, John?
Edwards: Yes, John?
Kerry: Can you lend me a quarter. I�d rather do it from the callbox. Get some privacy.
Edwards (smiling): Sure, John. I�m proud of you, John.
CUT TO: KERRY, STANDING AT THE PHONE BOX, RECEIVER IN HAND, LOOKING ANXIOUS. HE HEARS THE RING TONE
Bush: Hello?
Kerry: Hi! George! It�s John.
(silence)
Kerry: John Kerry.
Bush: Oh! HI! John! Jesus! I forgot! Er�so�.
Kerry: (stalling) Just wondered how you were doing? You know? Catch up? I haven�t seen you since that last TV debate, and, you know, I did say I would call�
Bush: You got something to tell me, John?
Kerry: Not reeeeeeally. I don�t know. Everything�s kind of hectic. It was long night. You must be bushed! Hahahaha�
Bush: Come on, John. Just say it. Say it for George.
Kerry: Say what? I can see�
Bush: You CONCEDE?!?!?
Kerry: No! No! I said I CAN SEE�why you might be curious as to why I�m calling.
Bush: Not really, John. Let�s just get this over with. I got missiles pointed at Fallujah that ain�t gonna launch themselves, you know what I mean?
Kerry: Hahaha! Yes! I see what you mean�.
Bush: So?
Kerry: Hahahaha�launch themselves�that�s good�.so�what?
Bush: It�s over John. I just need to hear you say the words.
Kerry: OK! OK! (Ahem)�OK�just give me a second�.ahem�OK, look, what I really wanted to say was that I concede�
Bush: Thank Christ for that! Victory is mine!
Kerry: NO! WAIT! Let me finish! I was going to say that I concede the point that I have something to say�
Bush: Say it!
Kerry: I concede�
Bush: Yes! (away from phone) Dick! Kill the fatted calf! We�re gonna have us a victory barbecue! I�m gonna have me some jerky!
Kerry: No! Wait! What I really said was that I �con���seed�! Yeah, that�s it! I habitually scam unsuspecting bags of kernels, pips and germinating entities of all descriptions�
Bush: What in the hell are you talking about? That doesn�t even make sense! Now cut the crap and let�s have it, boy!
Kerry: (disconsolate) Oh, alright�.God, I really hate you�
Bush: I know, John. So does everyone, really. When you�re ready�
Kerry: OK�.ahem�.you�ve�you�ve not got me on speakerphone have you? Is Karl Rove standing next to you? I can hear some laughing�
Bush: It�s just you and me, John, I promise�now let�s end this.
Kerry: OK. Ahem. OK. I�m ready. I, John Kerry�concede defeat�
Bush: OK! Now you�re SURE you didn�t say �Can�t see de feet�, or �Consider feet�, or �Corn seed e-feet� or some such piece of nonsense?
Kerry: (quietly) No�I concede def�
Returning officer of Ohio: (running up to booth) Wait! Halt everything! I just recounted and it turns out that twenty billion people in our state voted for you, John! You�ve won! It was all a bad dream�.all a bad�.all a�all�
This is where everything goes swirly. Only it doesn�t. At least, not for four more years. Still. Could be worse, huh? Yeah. Couldn�t it? Er�
